when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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