Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
