halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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