3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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