Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
