tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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