Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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