:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
