I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
