A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i may or may not be watching the land before time
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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