And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
