So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Welp...herpes.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
