just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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