Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
