New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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