I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
