talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
