You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
