is your mom at the bar?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
