I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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