so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
home. puking in laundry basket.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
