Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
