Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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