Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
