grandma shit on top of the toilet
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
