I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
