The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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