its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just sucked dick on a ferry
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
