The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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