She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
