I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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