oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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