Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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