Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
this is an emotional support booty call
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
