My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
