I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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