you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
