Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
