just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
