I want to have your abortion
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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