I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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