There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
