im drinking this country out of the recession.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
there is glitter all over my balls
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
