I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize