4 words: hood of his car
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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