I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
