Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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