were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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