I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Apparently you make a good broom.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
