I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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