yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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