They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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